okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I have post one night stand depression
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
