WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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