got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
