Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
