Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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