Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
