So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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