Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It's shark week go big or go home
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
