Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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