Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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