I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
