u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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