I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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