I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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