I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Is it because I queefed?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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