Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
