Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
