oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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