Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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