I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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