you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
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I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
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No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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