I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
