I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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