I heard we made out
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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