Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
