just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize