I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
