peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
