You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
