I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
