My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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