My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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