Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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