This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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