I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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