Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
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Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
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Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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