I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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