The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
