The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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