just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
