Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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