I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
