i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
