I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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