I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
