a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
