that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I am available for nakedness
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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