When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
