Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
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i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
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I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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