Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
