dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
