Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
