Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
