I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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