This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Come see our sink grown plant.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
