I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
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I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
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This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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