I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
