He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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