Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
