hotel room ftw
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
