Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
