jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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