I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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